À bientôt
by RacingRosso
Summary: Nick/Yvonne: It's not goodbye, it could never be goodbye. It's quite simply "I'll see you soon," and that knowledge makes this decision just a little bit easier. Set between Smoke & Mirrors and No Other Medicine.


**Ok, so here's another take on Nick's thoughts - I'm sure that angsty Nick is the only thing I can write at the moment - now that we know a little bit more. This is likely to be similar to the last one-shot I posted seeing as it's about the same subject but I hope it's different enough. Admittedly, I can't remember if Nick was ever given a time frame on how long he had with his brain tumour but for the purpose of this fic, he has an idea. Thanks for reading and if you can, would love to know your thoughts.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Casualty belongs to the BBC. No copyright infringement intended.  
**

* * *

**À bientôt**

* * *

"If she's alive, I have something but if I let her go then..."

Your own words are still ringing in your ears as you take a seat next to Yvonne's bed in the Intensive Care unit. You place your hand in hers, squeezing her fingers reassuringly. When she had started to complain of a severe headache the night before, when she had started to develop her current symptoms, you hadn't dared to think that it might bring you back here. It wasn't how it was supposed to go.

She's sick, sicker than you think you've ever seen her and although she's been putting up a fight, not much has changed since she deteriorated a few hours ago. There's a small voice in the back of your mind whispering that it's not fair to put her through this, it's not fair to make her struggle when she's already been through a hell of a lot recently. You've cared for her for six months, nursing her through the chest infections, the UTI's that she's been plagued with and you managed to help her then but now, there's nothing you can do. Her body is shutting down, the only reason she's still here now is because of the medication in her system, the machinery she's hooked up to. But you don't want to think about that because that means you might have to accept the possibility of losing her and that's something you're not prepared to do right now. You just want to be able to do something, give her something that will save her, bring her back to you but you can't. There is nothing. She's not getting better.

If you let her go, you have nothing. That's the way you see it. You're so deeply in love with her, she's such a massive part of your life that you can't bear to comprehend the thought of losing her, especially like this. She was meant to be your happy ending, the prospect of losing her forever wasn't supposed to be staring you in the face so soon. You're not exactly in the best health yourself and so, you had always accepted that if...no when you stayed together, you would be the one leaving her behind. Not the other way round. It was never supposed to be like this. You hadn't imagined this. Getting one last chance at happiness only to have it cruelly ripped away again. Sometimes the universe is so unfair.

You've tried everything but still, there's no change. She's not getting worse but she's not getting better either. There has simply been no improvement and now you've got another consultant trying to convince you to let go, to give up on her. You can't. It's not entirely because you can't imagine your life without her now, that is a factor of course it is but you're painfully aware that there was only one person that didn't give up on you when you needed it most and because of her persistence, you're still here. Surely the same logic applies in Yvonne's case? It doesn't, the medically trained, realistic side of you knows that but your heart is over-ruling your brain and you just want to be able to save her, you want her to be okay so you can take her home and look after her again. Everything will be ok if she's all right.

You've already spent six months with her and although it wasn't easy, in fact at times it was so difficult to watch her struggle day after day, knowing that her life wouldn't ever be the same again, it was worth it to see her smile on a good day. To see a little bit of life, determination, positivity come back into her. She found it hard enough to get through the good days, you know that and you're also aware that there had been days when she had just wanted nothing more than to give up, to stop fighting. Those days had been the worst but she always managed to push through them and now she's in a position where giving up might be the best thing for her.

Can you really sit here day after day, watching her hooked up to all kinds of machines that are necessary to keep her alive, knowing full well that it's probably not what she would want? You just want to buy some time, you're clinging to a tiny possibility that if you give her time, her body would begin to work properly again. It's very unlikely, almost impossible, you know that. She really is just too sick and there's nothing you can do to make her better. You don't think you've ever felt so helpless, so powerless.

She's fought for long enough, she's been through too much in the last few months and now it's time for her to rest. You have to let her go, for her sake. You have to do what's right for her and as much as you wish it wasn't true, letting her go is the right thing to do. It's horrible, it's painful, it's unspeakably difficult but it's right for her. She's struggled for long enough, it's not fair to expect her to keep fighting.

It's not goodbye, it could never be goodbye. It's quite simply "I'll see you soon," and that knowledge makes this decision just a little bit easier. You have no doubt that you will be re-united with her soon. Your health isn't the best, that's common knowledge but now, you find that you just simply don't care what happens to you. You want her, no-one else, just her.

Letting her go is inexplicably difficult but you know you would never forgive yourself for prolonging her pain when you can let her go peacefully. She deserves that at least.


End file.
